“So Money”

I was hanging out with the homies the other night (hi Kiwi!), and the video for Hello Good Morning plays on the screen.

I roll my eyes.

Puffy works my nerves. It's not that I don't like dude. He aight..... Not as obnoxious as Kanye. But he gets close.

Some people are just too much. And Puffy is one of those people. From the colognes to the cars....to the Maybach you bought your 16 year old to the stupid name changes no one pays attention to. You make a band every week and put yourself in half of them. They disappear and nobody but you rises up Harlem Shakin' from the ashes. And do you really need your own vodka? Aren't they all made the same? Ain't you rich enough? 

Puffy has what I have termed "So Money" - "SO" much of it he don't really know what to do. "SO" much money he really don't need to do nothing else....especially the stuff he sucks at, i.e. singing and rapping. "SO" much money that when he does do something, everybody's like SO….

You're a mogul. We get it.  I really just need you to sit down.

Puffy is not the only one on my list, even though he is by far the most annoying. Here are the other 4 of my Top 5 people who need to have a seat.

Jay-yonce'. Beyon-Z. Whatever. They's married now so I'm counting them as one. They are too much together. They are too much sold separately. Clothes. Concerts. Colgnes. Jay's got a book now. How you write a book, but not your lyrics??? Have a seat.  Make a baby. Do something else.

Russell Simmons. Sigh. So much I could say about you Mr. Simmons. But I'll start and end with the RUSH Card.  Can you really take me seriously as a responsible consumer when the same logo on my card is stitched across my ass, the back of my jacket and dangling from my ears? Are you MFN Kidding Me? Get your stuff together and find yourself a real bank. Take your chances at Chase though….

 

                          

Janet. Ms Jackson if you nasty. You've been rich since you were like what?? 5?? I like you.... I'm just annoyed by your acting. Wake me when you're not in a TP Production.... OR...OR... You're in TP Production, but not playing the Uppity, Me-and-My Money Black Woman!! Other than that….ZZZzzzzzz!
 
50 Cent. This $&($*% got a club in his house. This #$*&!& got his own WATER!!  SO MONEY!! You got so much money I think your hood status should be revoked.  People with night clubs 3 doors down to the left of their bedroom cannot, I repeat, CANNOT rap about how rough their life is.  I'm just saying...

When I'm rich Blog-land, make sure I AM relevant and AM NOT obnoxious. I don't wanna end up on one of my own lists!

~Me-Shell-A

P.S. Dear Kanye - I wanna like you. Really I do. I just need you to have seat for like a week….and Google yourself. If you don't think you are indeed obnoxious at the end of seven days, by all means, carry on! However, if at the end of seven days, you figure out what the rest of us already know….. let's makes some changes, huh?? Everything you think should not be said….that's for people with blogs! =)

Mr. State Street Old Navy Dude

Dear Mr. State Street Old Navy Dude –

I do not know you…..But I do not like you very much.

I don't smoke. I'm not a drinker. And I'm not gay. As a matter of fact, I am in deed a card carryin' Christian. But you make me feel like I'm going to hell anyway. If I avoid you, I can only imagine how smokers, drinkers and homosexuals feel.

Notice how nobody ever takes one of your flyers?
 
Notice how people are trying to figure out if they can actually get into Old Navy from the OTHER side of the street?

Yea….not sure what your definition of success is, Mr. State Street Old Navy Dude, but I would re-think it.

Most people who are wrong actually know they are wrong…..for the most part. What they don't know is how to get out of it. If they could just "stop it" I'm sure they would. There are some people who sign on the dotted line to get a crazy package, but not that many. Most folks are just doing what they know….doing the best they can with what they got. Most folks are just stuck.

You should pray for them Mr. State Street Old Navy Dude…… and tell them God loves them, if you're really trying to be about your Father's business. Last time I checked, it was JESUS + NOTHING that gets you into Heaven. Not not having a pack of Kools….

Part of me wants to question the sins you got hidden in your closet Mr. State Street Old Navy Dude, since you're so adamant about other people's, but I'm not gon' do that. That's between you and Jesus. But if I could ask you anything, it would be…..

Why Old Navy!?!?!? Did you do some type of market research? Of all the bar, clubs, XXX stores and college campuses, you picked Old Navy the heathen hotspot??

Maybe it's not your message Mr. State Street Old Navy Dude….maybe it's location location location!

I'm just sayin'….

~Me-Shell-A

To My “Dreams”

"Dream" means different things to different people. Am I supposed to write to that thing that happens when I sleep and barely remember when I wake up? Not sure if I would be able to make sense of that. Especially the one with the fireball chasing me. Dream Me is surprisingly athletic though!! Leaping tall buildings, tuckin' and rollin' through the streets, ducking behind anything that keeps me away from Mr. Fireball. Yea….Dream Me is straight out of a video game!! It's pretty sweet….except for the huge gianormous fireball.

Do I write to my childhood aspirations? I wanted to be a princess and a seamstress and a teacher and Janet Jackson.

One of those is definitely NOT going to happen.

I hate to admit it, but somewhere along the way…..I kinda lost you. At one point, I used to believe I could have it ALL.  I want(ed) to be the biggest music executive in the industry. The next Quincy Jones….the next Puffy! Why? Just because I wanted to.

I love(d) you Music. I remember the days when I would sit in front of Momma's stereo for hours on end listening to you. That stereo was huge! It had a radio, a record player AND an eight track tape player!! Then I discovered Video Soul with Donnie Simpson…..I'd never seen a black man with green eyes before. All the stars and celebrities would sit on his couch and talk about you. You got me in trouble though Music! Momma wanted to watch the news….I wanted to hear more about you. I said the wrong thing….trying to be close to you. I got a whoopin'…..but I still loved you. My piano lessons made us that much more closer. You were flowing from my heart and my head and my fingers, and not too shabbily if I do say so myself!!! And when I got to Chicago….they had this station called "The Box"!!!! OMG!!! Nanna wouldn't give me money to order more of you….but I watched you day in and day out nonetheless.

I had BIG plans for you Music. Notebooks and notebooks of celebrity sketches and business plans and business logos……all before I was 17! The vision was plain upon the tables…literally! Anybody coulda ran with it…..

Unfortunately, life got in between us my friend. Nanna didn't want me to leave Chicago for college. DePaul only sweetened the deal by giving me a full ride. I wanted to go somewhere where I could really study you. Talking to the "wrong" people began to squash the dream. "They" told me to be stable. "They" figured out that I was good with numbers, thus "you should be an accountant" was pumped into my spirit. And here I am…..desperately trying to get out of the box others have created for me. I keep trying to tell the world I'm an artist in my heart! Definitely not a bean counter. But nobody hears me.

*sigh*

I'll admit that I didn't put up much of a fight, but you didn't help much either. I lost my passion and so did you! You changed on me Music. You went from being about the soul to being all about the Benjamins…..and that wasn't cool. Now I just listen to the radio or watch videos in disgust, and I wonder what happened to my friend…the one I wanted to make a life with.

Anyway....I miss you.  I hope you come back to me...

Love,

~Me-Shell-A

A Man of Many Talents

Dear Cedric,

This letter reminds me of us growing up and ALLLLLLLL
the letters I used to write you. And you didn't write me back! Punk! I was pouring out my little heart……slavin' over extra chores for stamps……waiting ever so patiently for the mail like a lost puppy for nothing!!

Until you discovered the word processor that is!! You were too excited to write me then!! 'Cause like every OTHER man I know….you don't write! And most of 'em don't read either! So Sad!

Ok….I'm lying! But you know my letters outnumbered yours!

Anywho….. I don't really have nothing to say….nothing you don't already know.

You already know you're like my most favoritest person in the world and you've ALWAYS been MY Big Brother!! But I think the world should know you….and all of your many talents! In addition to being a super talented drafter, you're also:

• A practicing physician – Like that time I fell off my bike and skidded down the street! You put Vaseline on everything!! Even that little piece of flesh dangling from my chin!!! Very minimal scarring. I'm pretty sure I needed stitches….but I'm kinda glad you DIDN'T find your mom's needle and thread! 
• A practicing psychiatrist – For some reason, skidding down the street causes major laughter from your peers. All I need to hear was "Don't cry! Don't cry! Don't Cry….They're dumb!" to snap my self esteem right back into place. Yes, you were trying to save your own butt too, 'cause my tears equaled a butt whoopin' for you, but who doesn't need to hear that, even as an adult?!?! Next time you're upset at something or someone…..don't take Prozac!!! Just tell that person or that thing – "YOU'RE DUMB!!" and keep it moving.
  
• Football Coach – I know you and your friends just needed an extra person……but I think I had a very promising career as the first female quarterback in the history of the game. Until I got boobs…..
  
• A musical GENIUS – Every now and then I still catch myself singing one of your greatest hits like I'm Just Shaking This House and You Make Me Mad Like a Bumblebee. Classics.
  
• A Mad Scientist – How many police radio dispatches did we intercept with our butter knives and clothespins??? How many ants and leaves did we burn up with our magnifying glass? And my personal favorite: "If we light this firecracker….and put it in the tailpipe of Barbie's car, will it move?" It did move!!! From pink to black...
  

Awwww……don't try these things at home kids! We were trained professionals!!

And borderline arsonists……but that's neither here, nor there! =)

I love you!

~Me-Shell-A

P.S. - Don't think that first and last trip to Chicago counted for anything!!!!!! Extenuating circumstances…..You still need to come visit me!!!!

Drawing a Blank

Dear Dad,  

Part of me doesn't even want to take the time to write this. But everybody's got two parents…..even me.

I've tried to imagine what I would say to you if we were in the same room together. I wanna ask you questions about my momma....because you obviously knew a side of her that, as far as I know, no one else did. But for the most part....I just draw a blank.  I wish this blog had sound so I could record the sound of crickets chirping. 'Cause that's how I feel when I think about you.  The words "Dad" or "Father" sound foreign coming out of my mouth or from my pen or on my screen.  And sperm donor sounds way too harsh. 

I'm not mad....I'm not sad.  It's just that I have no idea who you are.  I KNOW who you are.....I just don't know who you are as a person and as a man. Heck, I don't even know what you look like! 

I could, and rightfully so, go off about how you should have been there for me and my mom. Or, how my non-relationship with you affects my other relationships with men and even how I view God. 

Yea...it's that deep.  

But, when you know better, you do better!  And one monkey don't stop no show! I can honestly say that I have been surrounded with so much love and affection and GOOD INFORMATION, that I really don't feel like I missed anything by you not being there. I don't mean it in a malicious way....but the truth is the truth.

Can you say the same thing though? Have you missed not knowing me? Do you regret not having hand in my life?

Anyway, I don't think either one of us is truly compelled to get the answers.  So, I just pray that this letter finds you living well.


Your daughter,

~Me-Shell-A

How Do You Like Me Now?

Dear Momma,

It's been a really, REALLY long time since I sat down and thought about you. It's been 20+ years since you "left". I still remember the morning that the hospital called the house. In a perfect world, I probably shouldn't have been the one to answer the phone. But if the world was really perfect, none of us would have to deal with sickness, death, loss, or grief. Your sister was at work, being the superwoman that she was.

"This is Dr. So-And-So….I'm calling to inform you that Ms. Jefferson has expired."

"Uhhh….would you like to talk to my aunt….she's at work…I can give you the number."

I didn't get it. I was 10. In my world, milk expired….not people.

So I went to the bathroom and back to sleep. I think I had an inkling…but still, I didn't really know. About 30 minutes later, Lee was home and my world had changed.

It took me a while to forgive you. When I say "left", that's what I meant. For the longest time, I felt like you left me. You were all I had. It was just me and you. Yazoo was all I knew and all I needed to know. You didn't tell anybody that you were sick or how sick you were. And by anybody, I really mean me. Occasionally I would have a talk with my 10 year old self and say, "Really…how much could she have told you that you would have really understood?"

And truth be told, I still struggle. Why bother to love people at all if they are just going to leave you in some, way, shape, form or fashion?? Moms, friends, boyfriends….what's the point? Adult Me knows that love is something that can't be helped, no matter how hard you fight it. Some people got over the wall before I consciously decided to take it down.

Anyway, I thought about this letter for a couple of days and all the things I could say before I started to write it. Adult Me has gained new information about you and the beginnings of my life over the last year or so, and what I really wanna know is: Are YOU happy with Adult Me? You sacrificed a lot for me to be here. You purposely decided to not have me grow up in Mississippi. Are things going according to plan? Are you happy with the way your sister took care of me and raised me? Did you expect something different? Did you want the college and career thing for me? "Cause if so, I'm on track! Did you want me to have a family and show my kids pictures of grandma? 'Cause that plan's going a little slow!

I can't speak for you a 100%, but I think you'd be pretty proud! You're sister was an awesome woman and she did a good job. That must mean you were pretty smart too, since you sent me to live with her. And now that Adult Me has seen what's happened to Yazoo City…..let's just say I got out while the gettin' was good!

I think the next 20 years are gonna be even more awesome than the last. I hope you're watching.

I Love You!


~Me-Shell-A

 






 

 

 

Your beginnings will seem humble, so prosperous will your future be. (Job 8:7 NIV)

 

Do Right And Kill Everything

What do you call a woman that's not old enough to be a Cougar?? Or if the age gap isn't that big??  A lioness? A Bobcat?

Either way..........I'll take it.

I used to pride myself on being on top of what's hot in music......but with you, I have to admit that I was a little late in the game.  Everybody had already been talking about you.....and I'm just like, "Who is this kid?"

But then I was in my car, and I heard what the hype was about…

Baby you're my everything

You're all I ever wanted

We could do it real big

Bigger than you've ever done it…

 

Yea, I was snagged.

Then of course I had to look you up….to put a face with the words.

Light skin….clean cut. You're eyes are a little far a part.....but hey, you were still a cutie pie.

And Lord KNOWS I like 'em light skinned!!

I don't know why.........I can't call it!!

Everywhere I turned.........there you were! All over the radio!! All over TV.  Every magazine.  Everything you touched turned to gold.  A song wasn't a song unless you were on it! I was like "WOW! This kid is the bidness!!!"  You got flow and I don't feel like I need to repent when I listen to you.  The fact that I can actually understand you is equally amazing. 

Soooooooo not Gucci Mane......or Wacka Flocka!

GUCCI! 
(whatever….it's still fun to say!)

I'm in my car again.....the second greatest place of all my epiphanies (the first place being my bathroom) and I hear: 

Last name Ever 

First name Greatest
Like a sprained ankle, Boy I ain't nothin' to play with
Started off local, but thanks to all the haters,
I know G4 pilots on a first name basis

- - - - -
Yeah n---a I'm about my business,
Killing all these rappers you would swear I had a hit list,
Everyone who doubted me is asking for forgiveness,
If you ain't been a part of it at least you got to witness

 

OFFICIALLY.  HOOKED.

 

Fast forward to like yesterday, when I saw this documentary on MTV detailing your tour and your album process for Thank Me Later.......

 

WHY?!? WHY ARE YOU BEAUTIFUL?!??! Geez!!! I don't understand…..

 

Beautiful is not a word I use for men… But yea….that's what it is. Your smile lights up a room. You're smart. You're creative. You're ambitious. You're humble. You love yo' momma! AND YOU FINE?!??!

Good Lord! What more could a woman ask for?

Next time you're in Chicago….I am SO there!! I'll be the passed out bobcat in the front row!

Keep Doin' Right…and Kill Everything! (D.R.A.K.E.)

Sincerely,

 

Me-Shell-A

 
 

You’re a Virgin?!? ME TOO!! Let’s Get Chicken Strips….

Dear BFF – 

A lot of times you don't remember how your friends become your friends. They are your friends and that's that. There is no beginning and seemingly no end ever in sight.

Oh…but I remember our beginning! There I was at the Black Student Task Force banquet, minding my own business and making goo-goo eyes at Jabbar (sorry Sparkles). And I kept thinking, "this girl talks too much….and why is she so happy?!?!"

And you were so pretty I probably assumed you were stuck up….but that's Day 21's letter and I'm not gon' write you again….

((The people who think I'm mean now, you REALLY have no clue about freshman year Michelle……you're lucky you know me now….))

Anyway, I think it was on the way home that our bond was sealed:

You're 17? Me too! You went to an all girl school?? Me Too! You live in Seton? ME TOO!! You're a virgin? 

MEEE TOOOOO!!!

OMG!

And thus, I began to hide from you!! Who knew you were kind of a stalker?? =) I remember the days I used to lock my door ('cause you would just walk in if I didn't) or take my phone off the hook so I could get a nap between classes or my job.

"I know you're in there Michelle!! Let's go to the café' and get chicken strips!"

Chicken strips are obviously the way into my life……

But what does all this say about me? By the time I got to college, I was SOOO over the friendship thing….especially having a "best friend." I was tad jaded. Dealing with friend after "friend" who just leaves for no reason, no warning, and/or no explanation. I was prepared to do my 4 years and get out ASAP.  But I finally gave in!  You went from being my stalker to being my "road dog." All I had to say was, "Let's Go…" and we were off with our U-Passes on an adventure……even meeting random boys at random airports.......you were down for whatever!!

Thirteen years later, not much has changed. You're still my "road dog"!! We lost a little bit of time dealing with so called boyfriends......but you know, what they say....bros before ho's.....or whatever the girl equivalent to that is! I can still count on you to be down for whatever! You're friendship has taught me that there ARE indeed people who come into your life for a lifetime. I didn't have to do anything to get it, I don't have to do anything to keep it. I'm free to be me….and I like that.

Even though you won't hold my hand and you're about as affectionate as a tree and I ALWAYS have to wait on you to come downstairs......even when I lie and say I'm there and I'm really not just so you'll get movin'......and I still try break up with you every other week or so.....

I love you.

You know it.....

~Me-Shell-A


 

 

 

30 Day Letter Challenge

Dear Blog-land

I am hereby interrupting your irregular schedule of events with the 30 Day Letter Challenge! A friend of mine found this challenge through a friend of hers……and we've been talking about being living "epistles" at church…..and it's a shame that people really don't write letters any more…..and I need to write more often 'cause this here blog is about to BLOWUPTUATE and make me rich and famous…..and the world needs to know what I think about everything……… and maybe this will help me get some stuff off my chest and……..

Well….I just thought it would be a fun thing to do!!

Epistles, by the way, are letters sent to a distant person to communicate encouragement and/or instruction for those that are biblically challenged.

(((See Pastor!! I AM paying attention!!)))

And Yes….I do go to church faithfully!! Don't let the MFNs and the (%*)@*&## fool you…. Me and Jesus have an ever improving relationship….SO THERE!! :P

Anywho, here is your schedule of events that I am going to do my DARNDEST to stick to!

Hopefully you'll read them all. But whatever you do read, I truly hope that you will be encouraged or inspired or just feel like you know your girl just a liiitttttllllle bit better. =)

Stay tuned!

~Me-Shell-A

Day 1 — Your best friend
Day 2 — Your crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 —Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to
Day 11 — A deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you've drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that's not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Benched

Dear Blog land-

I am not a sports fan by any means.  I can tolerate a football game or the 4th quarter of a basketball game during playoffs.  I know the difference between a touchdown and a free throw.  I know Dwayne Wade’s pretty cute.....but that's about the extent of my sports knowledge.

The only other thing I know is that somewhere on that field, court, or playing area is a bench.  A bench full of eager, ready and willing players hoping and a-praying that coach let's them in the game.....

What does this have to do with the price of tea in China Me-Shell-A???

Well, I need to inform you that men are the coaches.....and you, Ladies, are the players on the bench!

GASP!  I know..... This hurts me just as much as it hurts you.....

I was having a DEEP philosophical conversation with my friends about relationships. (‘cause really, what else is there to talk about?) Long story short, we were talking about men being "EXTRA" with females, with the knowledge that the likelihood of a relationship forming was slim to none. The male argument was that this is OK because she gets what she wants - attention from the opposite sex.  And he gets what he wants - could be sex, could be his paper typed or that hole in his sock fixed.....depends on the parties involved.  The female argument was that you can't string a woman along like that. Since I'm girl....you know where this is headed....

Fellas! Are You MFN Kidding Me?!?! You and I both know that we ladies are a little emotional and a tad bit off the deep end…no matter how NORMAL we may seem.  We've got the whole relationship planned in our heads as soon as you say “hi”. Somewhere in the universe there is a balled up piece of paper with the phone number to a good mechanic, a math problem adding up how much my girlfriend owes me for dinner, and my name first and your name last... Over and over and over again....

You know....just to try it on for size... and just in case I have to sign autographs.

Heck!! I've even fantasized our break up and who gets the kids!!! But I'm weird like that.....hence, the existence of this here blog. My issues have to be funnier to more people besides myself.

Anyway, let’s explore some reasons why “players” get benched in the first place…..as stated by the Softballchannel.com.

((did she for real do research?? yea….I got it like that….I keep telling you people I can’t make this stuff up!))

 

1.   Miscalculated value to the team:  Meaning you snuck up on him!!  He thought you were a chicken head….but lo and behold!! You’re cute, funny, smart, and you can put air in your own tire!!  Unfortunately, he is not ready and cannot deal with you right now….therefore, you must ride the pine.

2.   Injury: Not you….him!  And not his body….his ego.  Male ego…very fragile!!! You probably said or did something to hurt his little feelings…..not enough to be kicked off the team ('cause you still fine), but enough for him not to wanna deal with you on the regular.

3.  Team is winning easily: The dating world is a numbers game right now. If he halfway look good and is halfway employed, some woman will sign up for all of his BS. We know it…They know it.  Until he figures out that there is more to life than sowing his oats……watch out for splinters.

4.  Team is losing: He’s got more important things on his plate at the moment than dating you.  He just got laid off, his babymommas is actin’ crazy, he cracked his tooth playing basketball and he got a speeding ticket…..you are not on the totem pole….you might as well cop a squat.

5.   ATITTUDE: I’m not gon’ dig into this too much.  Ladies you already know! Check your finger snaps and your neck rolls at the door.

6.   You don’t mesh well: Sometimes things just don’t work out! Some “players” perform better under the style of certain “coaches”.  It happens.  Instead of wasting time, somebody needs to be mature enough to say “this is not working.”   

      As someone who has been benched, I can tell you it’s not fun. (Once simultaneously by two different “coaches”, but that’s a different blog for a different day.)  I’ve learned that all I can do is control me.  And I can’t promise that I won’t be ridin’ the pine again as I wonder if Mr. Right Now will figure it out ….but I can say that I’m looking for a whole new game….one on one!   Nobody rides the pine if we’re BOTH playing to win.

~Me-Shell-A

I Don’t Have a Freak'um Dress Beyonce……. (and Other Reasons I Hate Going to the Club)

Dear Blog-land –

I hate going to the club!

Really I do! And every time I go out, I SWEAR I’m not going out ever again. It’s always too much of a hassle to coordinate girlfriends and parking. “FREE” somehow leaves me penniless at the end of the night. And nothing is ever worth the money I do spend. The thought is always: “I’m here NOW, so I might as well……”

SIGH.

Combine all that with the fact that I’m not a drinker and I never know what to order. So I’m always standing at the bar looking like a lame, wishing I had a menu and some pictures like the fancy books at Red Lobster and Chilli’s.

It’s a wonder I say yes to a night out at all. But I think I’m down to about twice a year now, so by 2012, I might have kicked the habit. But alas, this weekend was one of my adventures. Not the worst night of my life, but definitely not all it's cracked up to be……as usual.

As I live and the Lord spares me (country…I know), some things become blatantly obvious to myself, about myself. I am not Winter Cute. I am not Club Cute. 

I don’t have a Freak'um Dress, Beyonce. Contrary to the song…..every woman does not have one. But I kinda wish I did. Unfortunately, I KNOW can’t pull it off! Don’t get me wrong now…..I am a big ball of cuteness and I’m happy with the skin I’m in, but this here dress? I can’t even do it. I stand about 5’2 on a good day and I have so much junk in my trunk Niecy Nash needs to come clean it out. That being said, what should be a sexy mini, either ends up being a ball gown ‘cause I’m so short, or a SUPER MINI because my booty pulls everything up 3 inches.

I could wear some Freak'um shoes, but I ain’t got them either! Besides, them bad boys hurt!! If you see a woman with really cute, sexy shoes….don’t talk to her! She’s going to be mean to you because her feet are throbbing with excruciating pain!

Know what else is not fun about being short at the club? Running into other people’s chests all night! If you’re 6 ft and muscular….WOOO!!! JACKPOT! I can’t help but to feel on your pectorial region! However, all I ran into this particular night were men with mammaries and other women’s chests. 

I choose not to be embarrassed.

And since we’re on the subject of club attire…… let’s talk about the “strictly enforced dress code” that’s not worth the paper my flyer was printed on. They should let me be bouncer for the night! 

You with the shorts and flip flops….REALLY? Get outta here with that %#*$(#& Son!

You…skinny chick with the big hair and the big FN’ accessories that weigh more than you do…..you are not sexy.......Let’s go Mami!!!

And my biggest pet peeve of all: EVERYBODY WITH SUNGLASSES ON IN THIS DARK #*($&$ CLUB, SINGLE FILE IT OUTTA HERE IN AN ORDERLY FASHION!!!! 

Ooohh….is the club empty now?!?!!? My bad..........

Sunglasses!?!? Really?? Are You MFN Kidding me?? I hate every second of it.

Sunglasses. Worn by celebrities fraternizing with the common folk from the safely roped off area of VIP and by those who think they are more important than the really are. 

That velvet rope is like Kryptonite ain’t it?? 

VIP by the way, is French for “You get to sit down...."

Anyway, if you catch me out and about before 2012, come say “HI”.

I’ll be the bootylicious cutie pie flipping through the Chilli's menu! =)

~Me-Shell-A

If You Were A Dude, I'd TOTALLY Marry You

I have heard AND said this SOOOOOO much in recent days.  I didn’t necessarily wanna write this blog at first, ‘cuz it started taking quite a depressing turn.   I was lamenting my singleness, and that of my ever so lovely girlfriends, and it just made me frustrated and angry.  Or, as I like to term it, “frangry”.

((Webster make sure you send me my check!))

I was/am frangry because it’s starting to feel like we’re that last little fat kid with the coke bottle glasses and extra smedium shorts getting picked last for kickball!   I mean really…..I have not met a better group of women!! Dimes….. 5 star chicks….. all that and two bags of chips.  Whatever the kids are saying these days!  If I was a dude, I’d snatch up any one of them!  BEAUTIFUL, educated, drama-free, loving, funny!!!!  And most of them can even boil water…..so you won’t starve!!!  But alas, we’re not, as of the time of this here publication, being picked for anybody’s team.  But Loose Lisa, Broke Barbara, Dumb Debbie, and Chrissy Chaos…..Oh! They STAY on the team!

Are You MFN Kidding Me!?!?  I don’t understand.

I just keep it moving.

But once I actually put things into perspective, I turned my frown upside down.   I have to thank God that A. I do have such wonderful women to share my life with.  B. That I’m not doing this single thing by myself and C. Each one gives me a glimpse of what my future Boo will be like.  There are so many characteristics that I admire in each one, that I can only believe that my Boo will be all that wrapped up in one handsome 6ft tall, light skinned, muscular package.  =)

Don’t scrunch your face up!  The Lord knows what I like!!!  And when YOU get a blog, you can tell the world what YOU like!  Until then……

 

So….Blogland, here are the ones that I would marry, NO QUESTION!   I’m not gon’ deal with the physical, since they’re girls and I’m not REALLY going to marry them.  They all fine as wine tho’!  What I’m really after at the end of the day is somebody to share my life with - the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I’ve given them boy names to protect the innocent…..so don’t bust nobody out and don’t give me a hard time cuz I don’t wanna marry you!

First up, let’s call “him” Big Willy!  Seriously, all a woman wants to do is marry her best friend.  Thick and thin, that person is there. (That goes for life and body weight! Ain’t that right Big Willy?!?)  Flaws and all, as much as Big Willy pushes my buttons some times, they can do no wrong.  Big Willy is more supportive than I could ask for.  This is probably one of the most important characteristics I’m looking for in a mate.  I need to know that when it goes down….and it will indeed go down….I  need to know that my Boo is there for me.

#2 Kelvin – I look at Kelvin and I’m in awe.  Kelvin’s that dude!  I’m like “WOW…that they’ve got it together!”   Focused, determined, disciplined.   I respect Kelvin…..Kelvin makes it happen!  At the same time humble enough to share their struggles.  Important mate characteristics – Can I respect you?  Do you make good decisions?  Are you determined?  Do you inspire me to be better?   Do you PUSH me to be better?  Otherwise….. what’s the point?  Both of us end up stale, stagnant and stuffy!!!

#3 Rondell – Truth be told….Rondell is already married.   Oh but Rondell knows if they weren’t….and it wasn’t an abomination before the Lord…..Rondell would be my Boo! =)  Rondell is HILARIOUS!!!  Not a sad moment when you’re in their presence!  Just a big box of fun!  Probably one of the most genuine people I’ve ever met.  Uber talented… .So talented it’s scary!  Mate material #3 – can you make life fun??  Bills, kids, jobs, house, etc . etc. ……….. life is hard enough!  Can the everyday with you be good?

#4 Parker – Me and Parker don’t talk a whole lot……but I got love for ‘em just the same.  Parker has got to be THE happiest person in the ENTIRE world!  Neck and neck with Rondell with being a big box of fun.   And so sweet you’d probably get a tooth ache. Parker officially made the list just today when they said to me, “I won’t leave if you’re not good.”  Let’s face it…..people are selfish.  Everybody’s got their own agenda.  Everybody has things they gotta deal with.  But, at the end of the day, can you lay down your life….your thoughts, your desires, your job, all your STUFF….. for me? Today, Parker made me feel like I was important….like I was a priority.  What woman is not looking for that?  To be a man’s number one?

I’ve got other fabulous girlfriends…..but you’d be reading all day!  Gotta keep it short and sweet!

Now that you know what yo’ girl is looking for…..

GO FIND MY REAL BOO!!!   GEEZ!!!! What are you waiting on?!?!??!  Move! Move! Move!!

Leave his phone number and his picture in the comment box…….LOLOL!! =)

Me-Shell-A

Did You Just Kidnap Me??

Most people have random things happen to them once or twice a lifetime……

Me...... I think it's more like once or twice a month. I think God tries to help give me things to write about....

Soooo..... Here's my overly random event for May:

I lose my debit card at least once every other  week.  Since this was my on week (or off week depending on how you look at it), I had to actually go IN to the bank and talk to a HUMAN being to get some cash.

So I make a check out to myself and look for the tellers. I must have looked confused because Lobby Dude at Chase politely asked me if needed help.  I told him what I needed and he said follow me.....

......now it gets funny....

#1 Lobby Dude proceeds to ask me about five questions too many . Do you have an account with us? What are you doing today? Concert? What concert? Who are you going to see? What size are your shoes? What's your blood type? Paper or plastic? I'll give him that first one, but really, every question after that was irrelevant to the task at hand.

#2 Why am I going over the river and through the woods and a maze of cubicles to get my money? We just bypassed a gang of tellers and this ain't even your cube Lobby Dude!! Name on the desk says Kyle... Your name is Chip! Something is increasingly wrong with this scenario..... Have I just been kidnapped by Chase???

#3  Lobby Dude..... Why is your left eyebrow half blond and half brown?  It reminded me of Rogue from X-men. She was electrocuted…......  What happened to you?

***Yea... I said LEFT eyebrow..... HALF blond, HALF brown!  I can't make this stuff up people!

Lobby Dude sits me down in the cubicle to “update my contact info”.  Work number is obsolete at this point.  Stupid economy....

Two seconds after I tell Lobby Dude I’m not working right now, he begins to sell me on ALLLLL the stuff I qualify for....

Seriously Lobby Dude??? Are you MFN kidding me? The last thing I need is another credit card..... Especially from Chase! No thank you!!

By this time here comes Joe, the Small Business Dude (SBD), waving my cash. Did they have to dig in the vault to get my 50 bucks??? And this is obviously a team effort.  This is taking way too long…..

Give us us free Chase Bank!! Give us us free!!

SBD goes into his Easter speech about what he does.

Thanks SBD.  If I EVVVVVVVVERRRRR decide to open up a business EVER in life I'mma come to you.

Exit SBD. Enter Jeremy.

Sigh. I HAVE been kidnapped by Chase Bank!!

Cell phone is going off in my purse...."Where the heck are you Michelle??"  I can hear the voice mails now...

….And who and WHERE is Kyle ‘cause we just all up and through HIS cubicle?!?!?

Jeremy asks what's going on and I say, “Your boy is trying to sell me on a credit card....” Lobby Dude smiles uncomfortably..... Jeremy says, “He's not trying to sell you!”

Uhhhh…. yea you are!!  And I just said I don't have a job right now.... Why on earth would I get another credit card??  His answer: So you can build credit!

((Umm, I’m not a newbie dude....and if I was we wouldn’t be having this conversation….))

We'll give you 100 bucks ..... That'll pay for that pedicure you’re about to get and then some!!

((I didn’t even ask what the catch was…))

I say, "I just took out fifty….. I'm good."

((All I wanna do is see my family again.....))

OK Ms. Jefferson.... Well if you ever want to.......

WHOOOOSH!!!!

That was the sound of me rushing back through the maze of cubicles to daylight!!

Call me Shawshank!!

I still ain’t found my debit card though....... So if you don't hear from me again for another few weeks blogland...... Please come find me!!

Me-Shell-A

Lessons Before Dying

On March 18^th, I "lost" the person I loved most in the world. Her government name was Leanna Jones, but to me she was and forever will be Nanna!

Nanna was my mother's sister and therefore my aunt, not my grandmother as I let people believe because I was tired of correcting them..... I'll get to that in a second.

My mother passed away when I was 10 years old, thus Nanna was the only "mother" I knew and remembered. My Nanna was an extraordinary woman.  STRONG!! Determined. Not necessarily affectionate..... But IF she loved you, you KNEW she loved you! Conversely, if she didn't love you or like you….well ...you knew that too!!

AND SHE COULD COOK HER ASS OFF!!!
(Stretch your hands forth because I'm praying for that anointing!!)

Anyway, the last few weeks of my Nanna's life were quite eventful.  I think every emotion a human being is capable of having, I had it!  I learned quite a bit about life and love and thus I give you those lessons in no particular order.....

You Are Not Your Body
      If you've never heard it before, let me be the first to tell you that YOU are a spirit. YOU live in a body and YOU possess a soul, which is made up of your mind, will, emotions, intellect, and imagination.  I learned this more concretely as I watched my Nanna cuss out various doctors and nurses, crack jokes, wink at me or squeeze my hand when her body couldn’t do anything else.  The icing on the cake? Being handcuffed to a bed two days before passing because she was pulling out her feeding and breathing tubes.  I teased her and asked was THUG LIFE tatted on her chest like Tupac! Nobody took my Nanna's life, she laid it down!!!  My Nanna's favorite saying: "Jesus wasn't no punk and neither am I!!"

Mine
     I learned that I am very possessive.  If you have reached a certain level of affection in my book, you probably have a nickname, it probably starts with "MY" and I probably say it obnoxiously loud when I’m talking of you or to you!  I love hard. I make no apologies for it. However, I had to learn that the people I love DO have other relationships! Go figure!! My Nanna wasn’t just “My Nanna” - she was somebody's mother, somebody's sister, somebody's co-worker, somebody’s friend.  And they loved her too!  Of course nobody can do it like moi.... But hey! You gotta let people try!!!  =} Also, part of being possessive is its twin brother “controlling”.  I don’t have to have my hand in everything. 

The Show/Give Me My Flowers Now
     My Nanna used to say this all the time: "Give me my flowers now! I can't enjoy it when I’m dead!” As much as she said it, the funeral made me wonder who was listening?!? All of a sudden people wanna sing loud obnoxious songs and fall out crying!!! Where were you when she was alive and kicking??  Love the people you love RIGHT NOW with ALL YOU'VE GOT so you’ll have no regrets later. 
     And while we're on the subject of putting on a show, let's talk about funeral arrangements!!! If it was up to me, I would have buried my Nanna in some sweatpants, a DePaul t-shirt (since she stole 'em all from me), cornrows and a do-rag! Why?!?! Cuz that's who she was! She didn't care nothing about no make-up, jewelry or fancy clothes. And if you didn't like it, oh well! And don't get me started on the cost of flowers and caskets! The financial genius in me was screaming "We're burying money!! We're burying money!!"  Obviously death is big business!!  

My Bubble
      I live in a bubble. Everything is happy there.... You should visit sometime so you can be happy too! On the flip side, the bubble can be a prison.  I hate to ask for help. I hate to admit that I'm ever lonely or afraid.... Because I'm the one who's supposed to "have it together." People come to ME for help... Not the other way around!! Know what that is? PRIDE.  And it always comes before destruction. I saw me going over the edge to the point where I had to reach out to somebody.

**And if I haven't said it enough, BIG THANK YOUs to Kelli and Erica. From my Nanna's last breath to giving up your own lives to practically live with me for a week. And April...You kept me sane at work when my Nanna made me go! If it was feasible, I know you would have been on one of my couches too!!  I LOVE YOU GIRLS!! 

     And everybody else who I KNOW was praying for me…..thank you too!  Every prayer, every phone call, every text message and email…..those who I hadn't seen in YEARS and you showed up to the services……it didn’t go unnoticed. Thank you!

Life Works

     Last but certainly NOT least, SHOUTS OUT TO JESUS!!! Seriously, I don’t know how people do life without Him. I understand “peace that passes understanding.”  I understand how you look at your life, your foundation is shaken and you SHOULD be off a bridge somewhere, but you’re not. Not only are you NOT diving off a bridge, but you have the nerve to smile or crack a joke!  I understand how He leaves no space for loneliness because He has already spoken to people about YOU to fill in those gaps.  I understand how the issues of life are squashed because in His infinite wisdom, the timing of the storm is such that I’m leaving my job ANYWAY, so who cares if I stroll in at 10:30 a.m. so I can make sure my Nanna has her breakfast and medicine in the mornings or that I’m making a B-line for the train at 4pm so I can visit her at the hospital.  We are predestined and preordained to live the good life! I learned that as long as you don’t rock the boat too much, your life will work if you let it.

I know this was a pretty long, and I think I have more to say…. but I had to get this out while it was still fresh to me.  In the words of My Nanna, “Everyday is not gon’ be icecream…. You take the bitter with the sweet and keep it moving!”

With a heart full of gratitude and love …..here’s hoping your sweet days outnumber your bitter ones!

Me-Shell-A

Fake Sticky Fingaz

In an effort to stay somewhat consistent with my blog……I’ve decided to share with you an oldie, but a goodie. Being a single female has lead to some very funny / scary / annoying encounters. This was originally an email to a couple of friends that I have made “blog friendly”.  Believe it or not….the homies sometime save my rantings and ravings.....Apparently I’m not the only one who thinks my romantic life is a joke!

Now you get to be in on it too….. =)

I was getting gas last night….minding my own business…and Sticky Fingaz from ONYX tried to holla at me. Of course it wasn’t the REAL Sticky Fingaz….but here is your visual aid so you can follow along. Now take the Real Sticky Fingaz…make him 3 shades darker, significantly less money, and experiencing a state of intoxication of some sort and you will have my proceeding conversation with Fake Sticky Fingaz (FSF).

FSF: Excuse me! Hey excuse me….
Me: Ok....let me call you back Erica….
FSF: Hey….can I talk to you for a second…..what’s your name?
Me: Michelle
FSF: Can I get your phone number?
Me: No
FSF: Can I give you my phone number?
Me: No
FSF: Why not?
Me: Because I’m not going to call you.
FSF: Why not?
Me: How do you know I don’t have somebody?
FSF: Do you have somebody?
Me: That should have been your first question.
FSF: Do you have somebody?
Me: No
FSF: So can I call you? Take you out? Lunch, Dinner, a movie…..
Me: Whatever I want huh?
FSF: Yep whatever you want!!!
Me: How old are you? 
(I thought he was a baby…..that’s who I normally get approached by since people think I’m 12….I’m a grown MFN woman people!!!)

FSF: I’m 30! (he said it all hard knock…like I better recognize!!)
Me: Really…you don’t look 30…you look younger….except for that gray hair in your chin.
FSF: How old are you?
Me: I’m 29.
FSF: I’M 30!! (with just as much hard knockness as when he said it 5 seconds prior)
Me: What’s your name?
FSF: My name O-Mazing. (I guess if I had really paid attention to his black spray painted hoodie, I would have figured that out.)
Me: O-Mazing?!?!? That is not your name. What is your government name?
FSF: My name is Orlando…Orlando White.
Me: Nice to meet you Orlando.
FSF: So you coming from work?
Me: No, I went to a friend’s house to watch a movie.  And I really need you to back up ‘cause you’re in my bubble …..
FSF: (backing up) I’m sorry ….What movie?
Me: 300. (Yea..I’m late in the game….sue me!)
FSF: I got a movie coming out!!!

(this is where it gets funny)

Me: Really now?
FSF: It’s based on the book I wrote.

(O M G!!!!)

Me: So you have a book AND a movie coming out?? What’s it called?

And I cannot remember the name of this “movie/book” to save my soul.  Something like Fear of the Whites….WHATEVER!  Then we spent 5 seconds of my life repeating the title back
and forth and him pointing to the white gas pump like it was ME who really didn’t understand the word “white.”

Me: So what’s it about? You wrote it? Starring in it? What?

FSF: Well see….. (I think any time a man starts with the words “well see…” it’s the beginning of the most gianormous lie you’ve ever heard) ..…Over here we live in this circle of fear. And over here…this is the circle of love. I’m Dr. White.

He repeated that same phrase like two or three times and that’s what the “book/movie” is all about.  I can’t make this stuff up.

Me: Wow….OK. Well………….I’m going to Google you when I get home.
FSF: The book’s not out yet!! It’ll be out in 3 weeks.
Me: OK. I’m going to Google you in three weeks.
FSF: So can I call you?
Me: No
FSF: Can you take my number down?
Me: OK….what is it. (Gives me his number) OK…well, Orlando you have a good night.
FSF: Hey wait….you forgot to give me your number!!!
Me: No I didn’t.

I get in my car, call Erica (the BFF) back and proceed to drive all up and through Oak Park for the next 10-15 minutes just in case Fake Sticky Fingaz had the bright idea of following me.

I never realized how long it takes to get gas…..