The Birthday Blog – 32 Lessons for 32 Years

Hellllloooooooo Blog-land!!! :0)

Shouts out to Diamond Suissa…..’cause I CLEARLY forgot about you guys! But I’m back like T.I.!! ANNNNNNDDDDDD I just celebrated a birthday!

WOOT!! SHOUTS OUT TO *MYSELF*!!

I was thinking about what I wanted to do for such an AUSPICIOUS occasion and get back in the game. Yep, when you’re grown, you can you use words like “auspicious” and people don’t look at you like you’re a weirdo! And I said to myself, “Self…we’ve picked up some nuggets in this short span of life, let’s share some of them with the people.” So here are 32 things…. in no special order….that I have learned about myself and/or life. If you don’t learn anything, hopefully you’ll at least get a chuckle at my expense.

1. I am AWESOME!
Yea….let’s get that out of the way first! I mean really, what’s not to love? I’m cute, I’m smart, I’m funny, I’m loving and I can balance a check book. If you don’t like me, there is clearly something wrong with you. CLEARLY! You might wanna have that looked at! :0)

2. The Power of NO.
It took me a minute…and I’m still working on it, but this is the best little super power in the world. Sometimes we try to do too much or we accept stuff that we got no business accepting. You do not have to do everything and you do not have to take everything that this crazy world tries to feed you. Just say NO, and keep it moving.

3. You know a tree by the fruit it produces
4. Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.
These two actually go together. People are not that hard to figure out. What does their life look like and what do they talk about ALLLLLL the time. Don’t get me wrong….they will test you because they think you’re retarded. You change jobs every 6 months. You complain ALL the time and EVERYBODY has done you wrong. You ready to pop cap if your mash potatoes are cold. You say you wanna be a husband but you got 15 kids and 13 baby momma’s. CLEARLY something is off, which brings us back to #2. Even if they are frontin’ like they got it together, you can only carry a lie so long. Eventually the truth will surface. You just gotta wait it out and pay attention.

5. Love Hard or Go Home.
There is no confusion in love that’s real. Love does not hurt. There are no questions. If there are……well….somebody needs to go home.

6. Plain M&M vs. Peanut M&M
I was having a convo with a friend and I said, “I know you thought I was gangster, but I really am a softee on the inside.” And he said, “Kinda like a plain M&M. ‘Cuz if you were a peanut M&M, you’d be hard in the center.” Truth. I am a Plain M&M – hard shell, soft center.

7. God Always Provides. Always.
Lose my Momma, get a Nanna. Lose my Nanna, get a family. Lose my job….jokes on you! I needed time off anyway (severance and unemployment is a beautiful thing). I honestly cannot think of anything that I’ve needed and did not get. WINNING!

8. Just because you don’t side with the devil, doesn’t mean you’re standing for God.
Sorry world, I hate to break it to you, but you actually have to make a choice. That “I’m a good person” business does not fly. When you’re ready to choose, email me….I’ll help you out.

9. Friends. How many of us have them?
I’ve been on so many roller coasters when it comes to friends. There were a few of us that went from 8th grade to the same high school. And as a freshman, my “best friend” told me, “Michelle, you can’t hang out with me as much. You need to make your own friends now.” Talk about scarred. So from high school to college, all I cared about was getting in and getting out. Thank God, He saw fit to save me from myself and gave me some truly solid people who haven’t gone anywhere. Even as an adult, “friend” is a word we use waaaay too loosely. I don’t care what Facebook tells you….you just cannot have 7,523 “friends.” Some folks are acquaintances. Some folks are glorified pen pals. Some folks are actually your enemy. If you have 1 or two for real for real FRIENDS, consider yourself lucky.

10. Family
Definitely not limited or defined by blood lines. I picked my own! Get like me!

11. Somebody is lying!
Go to school, get a good job, you’ll be secure! LIE! School, work, meet somebody nice, get married, have babies all before 30! LIE! This is a blog by itself…

12. Tell the truth so God can fix it
13. Tell the truth so when God DOES fix it, He can get the credit.
Basically, people front way too much. You’re life is not that great, and you are not that smart.

14. Will you help me?
That being said, I was a victim of #12. I hate asking for help. I’m the one who is supposed to “have it together”. However, I went through a stint where the poo really hit the fan and I didn’t have a choice. Now I can do #13!

15. I recognize my crazy.
I’m not going to tell you how or why I’m crazy! Silly Blog-land!! Just know that I already know that I am as crazy as a betsy bug! So if you ever meet me, do not be surprised.

16. I don’t hate you. I just love me more.
17. I love you. But I’m not required to like you.
18. Don’t sign up for crazy.
All magical words to live by!!! These have been my relationship/friendship/bad job/bad deal deliverances!!!! Hi-Ya!!! GLORAAYYYY!!!!! Be free Blog-land!!!! BE FREE!!!!!

19. You can be burned by the light, or warmed by it.
I am a card caring Christian. If they actually had a card, mine would be black, ‘cause I got it like that. That being said, I know my lifestyle draws people to me whether they are trying to or not. And when they get close, some run ‘cause they got burned, knowing they are not living right. ORRR, they get close enough and say, “Mmmmm…this is good. I think I’ll do it too.” I hope most folks choose door number 2, but neither is my problem nor my decision to make. My job is just to live the best I can.

20. In the grand scheme of life….
Whatever you’re worried about, ask yourself, “When I’m 85, will this matter?” Or my personal favorite, “Will I go to hell for this?” 9 times out of 10, the answer is probably ‘NO’. So see #21, make a decision and keep it moving.

21. Don’t be a Teeter Totter.
Paper or plastic. Yes or No. Chicken or Fish!! For Heaven’s sake Blog-land! Make up your mind! About anything!! Quit bein’ tissue paper. You can’t get nothing from the Lord being wishy-washy. That’s what the Bible say……but don’t quote me.

22. Shut up! (Or watch your mouth)
I get everything I say. From the house I’m in to the car I drive to the family I got adopted into…..I talked about all of it before I actually had it. I get everything I say…….and Sometimes I REALLLLYYYY just need to be quiet.

23. Nope. It’s You.
Every house you get burns down. Every relationship you get in has drama. Every job you get, you get fired. You are the common denominator. It’s not the haters or the man trying to keep you down. It’s you. Deal with yourself.

24. That has nothing to do with me.
People will put they stuff on you if you let them! Just because YOU experience something negative doesn’t mean *I* have to experience something negative.

25. I make up for thinking I’m right about everything by actually being right. About everything. Even if I’m wrong, I stand by it, so that makes me right.

26. I’m not lonely. I’m alone. There is a difference.

27. Too many withdrawals, Not enough deposits.
People are D-R-A-I-N-I-N-G!!! I know some folks who all they do is take – spiritually, physically, financially, emotionally. I can only take so much before I’m tapped out and I gotta fill back up. So if I’m mean to you, this is probably why. You’re in the red with me.

28. Quit watching the news,
There’s nothing good for you on the news. It only tells you the way things are, not the way they could be. I quit watching the news a long time ago and subsequently (another grown up word!) I am the happiest person I know.

29. Everybody can’t go.
30. Your life makes me mad. It shouldn’t. But it does.
So, I’ve learned that I am judgmental. (See #15…I just gave you one!) That being said, I get really upset when people close to me aren’t further along in life where I think they should be. It doesn’t have to be lonely at the top if people would just make the same decisions I made, DUH!!! However, in my vast 32 years of wisdom, I have learned that we all gotta make some choices. It doesn’t make me better, it just makes my path different and everybody can’t go where I’m going.

31. You are not that busy.
Especially if you are updating Facebook and Twitter on the regular. Hello!!! I can see you!!! People do EXACTLY what they WANT to do. At this point, when I hear “busy”, automatically the translation becomes “Michelle, I am selfish. Michelle I will not do XYZ for you. Michelle, I can not be counted on. Michelle I’m not that into you.” Got it.

32. My Momma stunted growth.
Sooo, I was on the bus one day and I saw this woman who looked just like my mom would have looked had she lived past the age of 44. I was so shook that I had to make up a joke to keep myself from crying on the CTA. So in my head, I decided that my momma stunted my growth with her cigarettes. I am 5’2 on a good day. However the women in my family are average height and a lot of the men are at least 6 ft. There’s no reason I should be this short! Cigarettes took my momma and took my height!! Anyway, by the time I got to my stop, I was giggling, so mission accomplished. I was listening to this minister on TV and he was saying how basically your whole life and where you are right now was programmed into you between the ages of 0 and 12. I thought about that time frame of my life: a major death of someone close to me, snatched from my hometown, dropped in a big city, friendship roller coasters. Not one positive image of male/female relationships. All of it definitely explains the “stunted growth” in many areas! The good news is that human beings are the only creatures on the planet that are “self programmable”! And Lord knows I’ve been doing what I can to change the input so I can change the output! I expect the next 32 years to be ridiculously FABULOUS!! :0)

I Recognized My Crazy

This is my new clock radio that I got for my bathroom.

Nice, right? Cost me a whopping 20 bucks. By no means did it break the bank.

Most of you who really know me know that most of my life altering revelations happen in the bathroom. Toilet, shower, or just in the mirror making myself beauteous..... It's something about the bathroom that makes me extra deep. Or maybe God knows it's the only time I'm not distracted and He can get a word in.

My old clock radio had been giving me problems for FOREVER. It was really staticy. The sound goes in and out all willy nilly. Basically it had a mind of it's own....short of changing stations by itself.

If it was THAT possessed I would have gotten rid of it a long time ago...

Anyway I was in the bathroom getting ready for work the other day, listening to Steve Harvey. And I caught myself with and an eye shadow brush in one hand and smacking the crap out of my radio with a jar of hair grease with the other.

Really Michelle? Really? I think you make enough money to buy yourself a new radio!

I kid you not Blog-land - I have been smacking the crap out this radio for MONTHS!!! And before this week nothing in me said, "just get a new radio Crazy!"

Why?

Because I, probably like a lot of you, hold on to stuff WAAAAY too long!! Way past its functionality or usefulness or my emotional happiness. Trying to "make do". Or because I'm comfortable. Or I'm hoping against hope that something (or someone) will function the way it used to or the way I want.

I Recognized My Crazy!

Crazy is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting something different to happen.

I smack my radio everyday. Has it returned to normal? No. Crazy!

Those pens in my office that don't write and I put them right back in the cup 'cuz next time I pick it up it just might work. Crazy!

And don't get me started on my car! With the money I've spent in the last 6 months I coulda had a new one. Which is what I really wanted in the first place! Crazy! And more repairs are coming around the corner if I don't get my mind right.

What it really comes down to is not believing that what you have can and could and will be better (if you let it). Believing that having something is better than having nothing, even if that something doesn't work or it's not REALLLLLY what your heart desires.

It comes down to settling. And where's the happy in that?

Get your mind right with me Blog-land!! Whatever is not working for you....CHUCK IT!!!! Life is too short to waste time on a pen that doesn't write or a radio that doesn't work.

You need those 5 seconds.

We got better things to get to.

~Me-Shell-a

“So Money”

I was hanging out with the homies the other night (hi Kiwi!), and the video for Hello Good Morning plays on the screen.

I roll my eyes.

Puffy works my nerves. It's not that I don't like dude. He aight..... Not as obnoxious as Kanye. But he gets close.

Some people are just too much. And Puffy is one of those people. From the colognes to the cars....to the Maybach you bought your 16 year old to the stupid name changes no one pays attention to. You make a band every week and put yourself in half of them. They disappear and nobody but you rises up Harlem Shakin' from the ashes. And do you really need your own vodka? Aren't they all made the same? Ain't you rich enough? 

Puffy has what I have termed "So Money" - "SO" much of it he don't really know what to do. "SO" much money he really don't need to do nothing else....especially the stuff he sucks at, i.e. singing and rapping. "SO" much money that when he does do something, everybody's like SO….

You're a mogul. We get it.  I really just need you to sit down.

Puffy is not the only one on my list, even though he is by far the most annoying. Here are the other 4 of my Top 5 people who need to have a seat.

Jay-yonce'. Beyon-Z. Whatever. They's married now so I'm counting them as one. They are too much together. They are too much sold separately. Clothes. Concerts. Colgnes. Jay's got a book now. How you write a book, but not your lyrics??? Have a seat.  Make a baby. Do something else.

Russell Simmons. Sigh. So much I could say about you Mr. Simmons. But I'll start and end with the RUSH Card.  Can you really take me seriously as a responsible consumer when the same logo on my card is stitched across my ass, the back of my jacket and dangling from my ears? Are you MFN Kidding Me? Get your stuff together and find yourself a real bank. Take your chances at Chase though….

 

                          

Janet. Ms Jackson if you nasty. You've been rich since you were like what?? 5?? I like you.... I'm just annoyed by your acting. Wake me when you're not in a TP Production.... OR...OR... You're in TP Production, but not playing the Uppity, Me-and-My Money Black Woman!! Other than that….ZZZzzzzzz!
 
50 Cent. This $&($*% got a club in his house. This #$*&!& got his own WATER!!  SO MONEY!! You got so much money I think your hood status should be revoked.  People with night clubs 3 doors down to the left of their bedroom cannot, I repeat, CANNOT rap about how rough their life is.  I'm just saying...

When I'm rich Blog-land, make sure I AM relevant and AM NOT obnoxious. I don't wanna end up on one of my own lists!

~Me-Shell-A

P.S. Dear Kanye - I wanna like you. Really I do. I just need you to have seat for like a week….and Google yourself. If you don't think you are indeed obnoxious at the end of seven days, by all means, carry on! However, if at the end of seven days, you figure out what the rest of us already know….. let's makes some changes, huh?? Everything you think should not be said….that's for people with blogs! =)

Mr. State Street Old Navy Dude

Dear Mr. State Street Old Navy Dude –

I do not know you…..But I do not like you very much.

I don't smoke. I'm not a drinker. And I'm not gay. As a matter of fact, I am in deed a card carryin' Christian. But you make me feel like I'm going to hell anyway. If I avoid you, I can only imagine how smokers, drinkers and homosexuals feel.

Notice how nobody ever takes one of your flyers?
 
Notice how people are trying to figure out if they can actually get into Old Navy from the OTHER side of the street?

Yea….not sure what your definition of success is, Mr. State Street Old Navy Dude, but I would re-think it.

Most people who are wrong actually know they are wrong…..for the most part. What they don't know is how to get out of it. If they could just "stop it" I'm sure they would. There are some people who sign on the dotted line to get a crazy package, but not that many. Most folks are just doing what they know….doing the best they can with what they got. Most folks are just stuck.

You should pray for them Mr. State Street Old Navy Dude…… and tell them God loves them, if you're really trying to be about your Father's business. Last time I checked, it was JESUS + NOTHING that gets you into Heaven. Not not having a pack of Kools….

Part of me wants to question the sins you got hidden in your closet Mr. State Street Old Navy Dude, since you're so adamant about other people's, but I'm not gon' do that. That's between you and Jesus. But if I could ask you anything, it would be…..

Why Old Navy!?!?!? Did you do some type of market research? Of all the bar, clubs, XXX stores and college campuses, you picked Old Navy the heathen hotspot??

Maybe it's not your message Mr. State Street Old Navy Dude….maybe it's location location location!

I'm just sayin'….

~Me-Shell-A

To My “Dreams”

"Dream" means different things to different people. Am I supposed to write to that thing that happens when I sleep and barely remember when I wake up? Not sure if I would be able to make sense of that. Especially the one with the fireball chasing me. Dream Me is surprisingly athletic though!! Leaping tall buildings, tuckin' and rollin' through the streets, ducking behind anything that keeps me away from Mr. Fireball. Yea….Dream Me is straight out of a video game!! It's pretty sweet….except for the huge gianormous fireball.

Do I write to my childhood aspirations? I wanted to be a princess and a seamstress and a teacher and Janet Jackson.

One of those is definitely NOT going to happen.

I hate to admit it, but somewhere along the way…..I kinda lost you. At one point, I used to believe I could have it ALL.  I want(ed) to be the biggest music executive in the industry. The next Quincy Jones….the next Puffy! Why? Just because I wanted to.

I love(d) you Music. I remember the days when I would sit in front of Momma's stereo for hours on end listening to you. That stereo was huge! It had a radio, a record player AND an eight track tape player!! Then I discovered Video Soul with Donnie Simpson…..I'd never seen a black man with green eyes before. All the stars and celebrities would sit on his couch and talk about you. You got me in trouble though Music! Momma wanted to watch the news….I wanted to hear more about you. I said the wrong thing….trying to be close to you. I got a whoopin'…..but I still loved you. My piano lessons made us that much more closer. You were flowing from my heart and my head and my fingers, and not too shabbily if I do say so myself!!! And when I got to Chicago….they had this station called "The Box"!!!! OMG!!! Nanna wouldn't give me money to order more of you….but I watched you day in and day out nonetheless.

I had BIG plans for you Music. Notebooks and notebooks of celebrity sketches and business plans and business logos……all before I was 17! The vision was plain upon the tables…literally! Anybody coulda ran with it…..

Unfortunately, life got in between us my friend. Nanna didn't want me to leave Chicago for college. DePaul only sweetened the deal by giving me a full ride. I wanted to go somewhere where I could really study you. Talking to the "wrong" people began to squash the dream. "They" told me to be stable. "They" figured out that I was good with numbers, thus "you should be an accountant" was pumped into my spirit. And here I am…..desperately trying to get out of the box others have created for me. I keep trying to tell the world I'm an artist in my heart! Definitely not a bean counter. But nobody hears me.

*sigh*

I'll admit that I didn't put up much of a fight, but you didn't help much either. I lost my passion and so did you! You changed on me Music. You went from being about the soul to being all about the Benjamins…..and that wasn't cool. Now I just listen to the radio or watch videos in disgust, and I wonder what happened to my friend…the one I wanted to make a life with.

Anyway....I miss you.  I hope you come back to me...

Love,

~Me-Shell-A

A Man of Many Talents

Dear Cedric,

This letter reminds me of us growing up and ALLLLLLLL
the letters I used to write you. And you didn't write me back! Punk! I was pouring out my little heart……slavin' over extra chores for stamps……waiting ever so patiently for the mail like a lost puppy for nothing!!

Until you discovered the word processor that is!! You were too excited to write me then!! 'Cause like every OTHER man I know….you don't write! And most of 'em don't read either! So Sad!

Ok….I'm lying! But you know my letters outnumbered yours!

Anywho….. I don't really have nothing to say….nothing you don't already know.

You already know you're like my most favoritest person in the world and you've ALWAYS been MY Big Brother!! But I think the world should know you….and all of your many talents! In addition to being a super talented drafter, you're also:

• A practicing physician – Like that time I fell off my bike and skidded down the street! You put Vaseline on everything!! Even that little piece of flesh dangling from my chin!!! Very minimal scarring. I'm pretty sure I needed stitches….but I'm kinda glad you DIDN'T find your mom's needle and thread! 
• A practicing psychiatrist – For some reason, skidding down the street causes major laughter from your peers. All I need to hear was "Don't cry! Don't cry! Don't Cry….They're dumb!" to snap my self esteem right back into place. Yes, you were trying to save your own butt too, 'cause my tears equaled a butt whoopin' for you, but who doesn't need to hear that, even as an adult?!?! Next time you're upset at something or someone…..don't take Prozac!!! Just tell that person or that thing – "YOU'RE DUMB!!" and keep it moving.
  
• Football Coach – I know you and your friends just needed an extra person……but I think I had a very promising career as the first female quarterback in the history of the game. Until I got boobs…..
  
• A musical GENIUS – Every now and then I still catch myself singing one of your greatest hits like I'm Just Shaking This House and You Make Me Mad Like a Bumblebee. Classics.
  
• A Mad Scientist – How many police radio dispatches did we intercept with our butter knives and clothespins??? How many ants and leaves did we burn up with our magnifying glass? And my personal favorite: "If we light this firecracker….and put it in the tailpipe of Barbie's car, will it move?" It did move!!! From pink to black...
  

Awwww……don't try these things at home kids! We were trained professionals!!

And borderline arsonists……but that's neither here, nor there! =)

I love you!

~Me-Shell-A

P.S. - Don't think that first and last trip to Chicago counted for anything!!!!!! Extenuating circumstances…..You still need to come visit me!!!!

Drawing a Blank

Dear Dad,  

Part of me doesn't even want to take the time to write this. But everybody's got two parents…..even me.

I've tried to imagine what I would say to you if we were in the same room together. I wanna ask you questions about my momma....because you obviously knew a side of her that, as far as I know, no one else did. But for the most part....I just draw a blank.  I wish this blog had sound so I could record the sound of crickets chirping. 'Cause that's how I feel when I think about you.  The words "Dad" or "Father" sound foreign coming out of my mouth or from my pen or on my screen.  And sperm donor sounds way too harsh. 

I'm not mad....I'm not sad.  It's just that I have no idea who you are.  I KNOW who you are.....I just don't know who you are as a person and as a man. Heck, I don't even know what you look like! 

I could, and rightfully so, go off about how you should have been there for me and my mom. Or, how my non-relationship with you affects my other relationships with men and even how I view God. 

Yea...it's that deep.  

But, when you know better, you do better!  And one monkey don't stop no show! I can honestly say that I have been surrounded with so much love and affection and GOOD INFORMATION, that I really don't feel like I missed anything by you not being there. I don't mean it in a malicious way....but the truth is the truth.

Can you say the same thing though? Have you missed not knowing me? Do you regret not having hand in my life?

Anyway, I don't think either one of us is truly compelled to get the answers.  So, I just pray that this letter finds you living well.


Your daughter,

~Me-Shell-A