Lessons Before Dying

On March 18^th, I "lost" the person I loved most in the world. Her government name was Leanna Jones, but to me she was and forever will be Nanna!

Nanna was my mother's sister and therefore my aunt, not my grandmother as I let people believe because I was tired of correcting them..... I'll get to that in a second.

My mother passed away when I was 10 years old, thus Nanna was the only "mother" I knew and remembered. My Nanna was an extraordinary woman.  STRONG!! Determined. Not necessarily affectionate..... But IF she loved you, you KNEW she loved you! Conversely, if she didn't love you or like you….well ...you knew that too!!

AND SHE COULD COOK HER ASS OFF!!!
(Stretch your hands forth because I'm praying for that anointing!!)

Anyway, the last few weeks of my Nanna's life were quite eventful.  I think every emotion a human being is capable of having, I had it!  I learned quite a bit about life and love and thus I give you those lessons in no particular order.....

You Are Not Your Body
      If you've never heard it before, let me be the first to tell you that YOU are a spirit. YOU live in a body and YOU possess a soul, which is made up of your mind, will, emotions, intellect, and imagination.  I learned this more concretely as I watched my Nanna cuss out various doctors and nurses, crack jokes, wink at me or squeeze my hand when her body couldn’t do anything else.  The icing on the cake? Being handcuffed to a bed two days before passing because she was pulling out her feeding and breathing tubes.  I teased her and asked was THUG LIFE tatted on her chest like Tupac! Nobody took my Nanna's life, she laid it down!!!  My Nanna's favorite saying: "Jesus wasn't no punk and neither am I!!"

Mine
     I learned that I am very possessive.  If you have reached a certain level of affection in my book, you probably have a nickname, it probably starts with "MY" and I probably say it obnoxiously loud when I’m talking of you or to you!  I love hard. I make no apologies for it. However, I had to learn that the people I love DO have other relationships! Go figure!! My Nanna wasn’t just “My Nanna” - she was somebody's mother, somebody's sister, somebody's co-worker, somebody’s friend.  And they loved her too!  Of course nobody can do it like moi.... But hey! You gotta let people try!!!  =} Also, part of being possessive is its twin brother “controlling”.  I don’t have to have my hand in everything. 

The Show/Give Me My Flowers Now
     My Nanna used to say this all the time: "Give me my flowers now! I can't enjoy it when I’m dead!” As much as she said it, the funeral made me wonder who was listening?!? All of a sudden people wanna sing loud obnoxious songs and fall out crying!!! Where were you when she was alive and kicking??  Love the people you love RIGHT NOW with ALL YOU'VE GOT so you’ll have no regrets later. 
     And while we're on the subject of putting on a show, let's talk about funeral arrangements!!! If it was up to me, I would have buried my Nanna in some sweatpants, a DePaul t-shirt (since she stole 'em all from me), cornrows and a do-rag! Why?!?! Cuz that's who she was! She didn't care nothing about no make-up, jewelry or fancy clothes. And if you didn't like it, oh well! And don't get me started on the cost of flowers and caskets! The financial genius in me was screaming "We're burying money!! We're burying money!!"  Obviously death is big business!!  

My Bubble
      I live in a bubble. Everything is happy there.... You should visit sometime so you can be happy too! On the flip side, the bubble can be a prison.  I hate to ask for help. I hate to admit that I'm ever lonely or afraid.... Because I'm the one who's supposed to "have it together." People come to ME for help... Not the other way around!! Know what that is? PRIDE.  And it always comes before destruction. I saw me going over the edge to the point where I had to reach out to somebody.

**And if I haven't said it enough, BIG THANK YOUs to Kelli and Erica. From my Nanna's last breath to giving up your own lives to practically live with me for a week. And April...You kept me sane at work when my Nanna made me go! If it was feasible, I know you would have been on one of my couches too!!  I LOVE YOU GIRLS!! 

     And everybody else who I KNOW was praying for me…..thank you too!  Every prayer, every phone call, every text message and email…..those who I hadn't seen in YEARS and you showed up to the services……it didn’t go unnoticed. Thank you!

Life Works

     Last but certainly NOT least, SHOUTS OUT TO JESUS!!! Seriously, I don’t know how people do life without Him. I understand “peace that passes understanding.”  I understand how you look at your life, your foundation is shaken and you SHOULD be off a bridge somewhere, but you’re not. Not only are you NOT diving off a bridge, but you have the nerve to smile or crack a joke!  I understand how He leaves no space for loneliness because He has already spoken to people about YOU to fill in those gaps.  I understand how the issues of life are squashed because in His infinite wisdom, the timing of the storm is such that I’m leaving my job ANYWAY, so who cares if I stroll in at 10:30 a.m. so I can make sure my Nanna has her breakfast and medicine in the mornings or that I’m making a B-line for the train at 4pm so I can visit her at the hospital.  We are predestined and preordained to live the good life! I learned that as long as you don’t rock the boat too much, your life will work if you let it.

I know this was a pretty long, and I think I have more to say…. but I had to get this out while it was still fresh to me.  In the words of My Nanna, “Everyday is not gon’ be icecream…. You take the bitter with the sweet and keep it moving!”

With a heart full of gratitude and love …..here’s hoping your sweet days outnumber your bitter ones!

Me-Shell-A