I Don’t Have a Freak'um Dress Beyonce……. (and Other Reasons I Hate Going to the Club)

Dear Blog-land –

I hate going to the club!

Really I do! And every time I go out, I SWEAR I’m not going out ever again. It’s always too much of a hassle to coordinate girlfriends and parking. “FREE” somehow leaves me penniless at the end of the night. And nothing is ever worth the money I do spend. The thought is always: “I’m here NOW, so I might as well……”

SIGH.

Combine all that with the fact that I’m not a drinker and I never know what to order. So I’m always standing at the bar looking like a lame, wishing I had a menu and some pictures like the fancy books at Red Lobster and Chilli’s.

It’s a wonder I say yes to a night out at all. But I think I’m down to about twice a year now, so by 2012, I might have kicked the habit. But alas, this weekend was one of my adventures. Not the worst night of my life, but definitely not all it's cracked up to be……as usual.

As I live and the Lord spares me (country…I know), some things become blatantly obvious to myself, about myself. I am not Winter Cute. I am not Club Cute. 

I don’t have a Freak'um Dress, Beyonce. Contrary to the song…..every woman does not have one. But I kinda wish I did. Unfortunately, I KNOW can’t pull it off! Don’t get me wrong now…..I am a big ball of cuteness and I’m happy with the skin I’m in, but this here dress? I can’t even do it. I stand about 5’2 on a good day and I have so much junk in my trunk Niecy Nash needs to come clean it out. That being said, what should be a sexy mini, either ends up being a ball gown ‘cause I’m so short, or a SUPER MINI because my booty pulls everything up 3 inches.

I could wear some Freak'um shoes, but I ain’t got them either! Besides, them bad boys hurt!! If you see a woman with really cute, sexy shoes….don’t talk to her! She’s going to be mean to you because her feet are throbbing with excruciating pain!

Know what else is not fun about being short at the club? Running into other people’s chests all night! If you’re 6 ft and muscular….WOOO!!! JACKPOT! I can’t help but to feel on your pectorial region! However, all I ran into this particular night were men with mammaries and other women’s chests. 

I choose not to be embarrassed.

And since we’re on the subject of club attire…… let’s talk about the “strictly enforced dress code” that’s not worth the paper my flyer was printed on. They should let me be bouncer for the night! 

You with the shorts and flip flops….REALLY? Get outta here with that %#*$(#& Son!

You…skinny chick with the big hair and the big FN’ accessories that weigh more than you do…..you are not sexy.......Let’s go Mami!!!

And my biggest pet peeve of all: EVERYBODY WITH SUNGLASSES ON IN THIS DARK #*($&$ CLUB, SINGLE FILE IT OUTTA HERE IN AN ORDERLY FASHION!!!! 

Ooohh….is the club empty now?!?!!? My bad..........

Sunglasses!?!? Really?? Are You MFN Kidding me?? I hate every second of it.

Sunglasses. Worn by celebrities fraternizing with the common folk from the safely roped off area of VIP and by those who think they are more important than the really are. 

That velvet rope is like Kryptonite ain’t it?? 

VIP by the way, is French for “You get to sit down...."

Anyway, if you catch me out and about before 2012, come say “HI”.

I’ll be the bootylicious cutie pie flipping through the Chilli's menu! =)

~Me-Shell-A