Drawing a Blank

Dear Dad,  

Part of me doesn't even want to take the time to write this. But everybody's got two parents…..even me.

I've tried to imagine what I would say to you if we were in the same room together. I wanna ask you questions about my momma....because you obviously knew a side of her that, as far as I know, no one else did. But for the most part....I just draw a blank.  I wish this blog had sound so I could record the sound of crickets chirping. 'Cause that's how I feel when I think about you.  The words "Dad" or "Father" sound foreign coming out of my mouth or from my pen or on my screen.  And sperm donor sounds way too harsh. 

I'm not mad....I'm not sad.  It's just that I have no idea who you are.  I KNOW who you are.....I just don't know who you are as a person and as a man. Heck, I don't even know what you look like! 

I could, and rightfully so, go off about how you should have been there for me and my mom. Or, how my non-relationship with you affects my other relationships with men and even how I view God. 

Yea...it's that deep.  

But, when you know better, you do better!  And one monkey don't stop no show! I can honestly say that I have been surrounded with so much love and affection and GOOD INFORMATION, that I really don't feel like I missed anything by you not being there. I don't mean it in a malicious way....but the truth is the truth.

Can you say the same thing though? Have you missed not knowing me? Do you regret not having hand in my life?

Anyway, I don't think either one of us is truly compelled to get the answers.  So, I just pray that this letter finds you living well.


Your daughter,

~Me-Shell-A