How Do You Like Me Now?

Dear Momma,

It's been a really, REALLY long time since I sat down and thought about you. It's been 20+ years since you "left". I still remember the morning that the hospital called the house. In a perfect world, I probably shouldn't have been the one to answer the phone. But if the world was really perfect, none of us would have to deal with sickness, death, loss, or grief. Your sister was at work, being the superwoman that she was.

"This is Dr. So-And-So….I'm calling to inform you that Ms. Jefferson has expired."

"Uhhh….would you like to talk to my aunt….she's at work…I can give you the number."

I didn't get it. I was 10. In my world, milk expired….not people.

So I went to the bathroom and back to sleep. I think I had an inkling…but still, I didn't really know. About 30 minutes later, Lee was home and my world had changed.

It took me a while to forgive you. When I say "left", that's what I meant. For the longest time, I felt like you left me. You were all I had. It was just me and you. Yazoo was all I knew and all I needed to know. You didn't tell anybody that you were sick or how sick you were. And by anybody, I really mean me. Occasionally I would have a talk with my 10 year old self and say, "Really…how much could she have told you that you would have really understood?"

And truth be told, I still struggle. Why bother to love people at all if they are just going to leave you in some, way, shape, form or fashion?? Moms, friends, boyfriends….what's the point? Adult Me knows that love is something that can't be helped, no matter how hard you fight it. Some people got over the wall before I consciously decided to take it down.

Anyway, I thought about this letter for a couple of days and all the things I could say before I started to write it. Adult Me has gained new information about you and the beginnings of my life over the last year or so, and what I really wanna know is: Are YOU happy with Adult Me? You sacrificed a lot for me to be here. You purposely decided to not have me grow up in Mississippi. Are things going according to plan? Are you happy with the way your sister took care of me and raised me? Did you expect something different? Did you want the college and career thing for me? "Cause if so, I'm on track! Did you want me to have a family and show my kids pictures of grandma? 'Cause that plan's going a little slow!

I can't speak for you a 100%, but I think you'd be pretty proud! You're sister was an awesome woman and she did a good job. That must mean you were pretty smart too, since you sent me to live with her. And now that Adult Me has seen what's happened to Yazoo City…..let's just say I got out while the gettin' was good!

I think the next 20 years are gonna be even more awesome than the last. I hope you're watching.

I Love You!


~Me-Shell-A

 






 

 

 

Your beginnings will seem humble, so prosperous will your future be. (Job 8:7 NIV)