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So I was talking to a guy friend of mine in the not too distant past and I was politely informed - "Michelle.....you are not normal!"
So after playing the "Yes-I-Am-No-You're-Not" game for about 5 minutes, I finally asked him how do you define "normal"?
His response: Normal people cuss and bone!
Are you MFN kidding me? Has the world really gone to hell in a hand basket?? Has the world we live in become so backwards that what was taboo is normal and what was sane is now crazy?
The sad part is that he is not the first to inform me of my "abnormalities." I've heard it all. I've been called weird, crazy and my very VERY favorite -"SPECIAL"!!! Ooooo......
If all this were true, you'd think men who were in search of a little something different would be knocking down a sister's door. But Nooooo!!!! It turns out that they really do want "normal". And being the people pleaser that I am..... I gotta give the people what they want!
Scenario #1: Waitress screws up our order at the Grand Luxe
Normal: B****!!!! I ordered a MFN Sprite, not a MFN Coke!!! Get it right heffa with yo' dumb a$$!!! S***!!!
Me: Excuse me.... This isn't what I ordered. Bring me a Sprite please.
Scenario #2 You wanna know if "you da you da best...."
Normal: Well.....John was better than you.... And then Mike....oh you're better than Steve.... um Rasheed..... Then there's Donald....Dancer.....Cupid....Blitzen
Me: Of course Boo!!!
There. Is. No. Comparison. Literally.
**Disclaimer: Put a ring on it... All day Boo... All day!! =)
Scenario #3: Meeting the parental units.
Normal: Dammmnnnn!!! This a big a$$ house!! Y'all must have a S*** load of FN money!! Make it rain Pops! Make it rain!!!
Me: Wow!! Thanks for inviting me! I really like your house!
One day.... Some man is going to appreciate my "crazy"..... Or At least his momma will!!! =)
Me-Shell-A
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Benefits of Singledom
Valentine’s Day is upon us! I have spent many a Pre-Valentine’s Day swearing up and down I would have a date or a present or some sort of special attention from the opposite sex.
I have also shed more than my share of tears as Cupid seemed to skip me again. So.... As I continue to embrace my singledom and be the best me I can be, that my Mr. Right will eventually appreciate.... I have decided to dedicate this blog to the benefits of being single for all my other single ladies who may not be as progressive as myself! Here goes:
#1 I do not have to share my fries!!! My boo'ed up people.... Don't you hate when you got something really good to eat (like Micky D's french fries) or you down to your LAST drop of juice and your boo comes along and asks "can I have some?" OR, worse yet, they just take it.... ‘Cause they know they yo’ boo and the can do that!! Yea.... I don't have that problem. (Shout out to Maggie for this one)
#2 No stupid arguments about stupid things! Me and my ex were together for two and a half years. Of all the major spats we had, what I really remember is arguing about dish soap. Yes…we argued about the Palmolive!!!! Monday I bought a brand new bottle of dish soap. Tuesday HE did the dishes. Wednesday I go to the dishes and there is no dish soap. He has no recollection of the soap, dishes, or Tuesday!!! What the hezzie?? It's 2010 and I still don't know what happened.
#3 Stupid arguments lead to stupid tears which lead to the puffy face! I don’t know about you ladies, but when I get mad, I cry. When I get sad I cry. I can’t help it….tears are my first reaction and my face swells up like chocolate marshmallows. The puffy face is not sexy! How am I supposed to find my next boo if I got the puffy face??
#4 Meeting the fam is pretty special for us girls. In our head that means we're special in your head. However, the divorce rate is hovering somewhere around like 40%. I gotta visit your two families AND my two families??? There are too many holidays for that! Plus, I know your Moms is frontin’…..she don’t really like me….Your Uncle Willie? Yea, I’m pretty sure he just made a pass at me. And really….. I just plain think my family is better than yours……
#5 My bodily functions are cute..... You need an exorcism!!
#6 I come. I go. I do as I please. No questions. No lies. Nobody gets hurt.
#7 You suck at giving gifts!! (ASSUMING you actually REMEMBER it's a gift giving occasion) Ladies! How many times did you get a gift from your boo only to utter to your girlfriends later "it's nice, BUT....." And really... how many flowers and how much chocolate do I need? You see me hitting the gym every day!!! C'mon son! Help me HELP YOU have good looking girl on your arm! And fellas…. if you really don't have the time or the energy to be creative remember this: C.R.E.A.M. - Cash Rules Everything Around Me!!
I'll get my own stinkin’ gift!
*Feel free to leave your own Benefit of Singledom and I'll edit for all the world to see!
I have also shed more than my share of tears as Cupid seemed to skip me again. So.... As I continue to embrace my singledom and be the best me I can be, that my Mr. Right will eventually appreciate.... I have decided to dedicate this blog to the benefits of being single for all my other single ladies who may not be as progressive as myself! Here goes:
#1 I do not have to share my fries!!! My boo'ed up people.... Don't you hate when you got something really good to eat (like Micky D's french fries) or you down to your LAST drop of juice and your boo comes along and asks "can I have some?" OR, worse yet, they just take it.... ‘Cause they know they yo’ boo and the can do that!! Yea.... I don't have that problem. (Shout out to Maggie for this one)
#2 No stupid arguments about stupid things! Me and my ex were together for two and a half years. Of all the major spats we had, what I really remember is arguing about dish soap. Yes…we argued about the Palmolive!!!! Monday I bought a brand new bottle of dish soap. Tuesday HE did the dishes. Wednesday I go to the dishes and there is no dish soap. He has no recollection of the soap, dishes, or Tuesday!!! What the hezzie?? It's 2010 and I still don't know what happened.
#3 Stupid arguments lead to stupid tears which lead to the puffy face! I don’t know about you ladies, but when I get mad, I cry. When I get sad I cry. I can’t help it….tears are my first reaction and my face swells up like chocolate marshmallows. The puffy face is not sexy! How am I supposed to find my next boo if I got the puffy face??
#4 Meeting the fam is pretty special for us girls. In our head that means we're special in your head. However, the divorce rate is hovering somewhere around like 40%. I gotta visit your two families AND my two families??? There are too many holidays for that! Plus, I know your Moms is frontin’…..she don’t really like me….Your Uncle Willie? Yea, I’m pretty sure he just made a pass at me. And really….. I just plain think my family is better than yours……
#5 My bodily functions are cute..... You need an exorcism!!
#6 I come. I go. I do as I please. No questions. No lies. Nobody gets hurt.
#7 You suck at giving gifts!! (ASSUMING you actually REMEMBER it's a gift giving occasion) Ladies! How many times did you get a gift from your boo only to utter to your girlfriends later "it's nice, BUT....." And really... how many flowers and how much chocolate do I need? You see me hitting the gym every day!!! C'mon son! Help me HELP YOU have good looking girl on your arm! And fellas…. if you really don't have the time or the energy to be creative remember this: C.R.E.A.M. - Cash Rules Everything Around Me!!
I'll get my own stinkin’ gift!
*Feel free to leave your own Benefit of Singledom and I'll edit for all the world to see!
Friday, February 5, 2010
Winter Cute
I happen to think that I'm pretty cute. I wouldn't necessarily qualify for America's Next Top Model, unless they had a miniature version, but I've been known to turn a few heads now and then.... Make a couple cars put on brakes a little too hard with my bootyliciousness.....
But what became utterly obvious to me this season is that I am not "Winter Cute".......
Working in downtown Chicago, I have the privilege (sometimes the horror) of running into all types of people. Maybe you've seen this "chic" before too:
Fabulous hair, not a strand out of place....How do you know? 'Cause she ain't got no type of hat on!!!
Flawless make up....... Why?? 'Cause she's wearing the daintiest little scarf tied ever so effortlessly around her neck.
Cute little coat, with her cute little Isotoner gloves.......
And OMG!!!! Don't get me started on her shoes......4 inch heels!!!!
Are you freakin' kidding me??? I'm like, "This heffa gotta be cold!!! It's Chicago.... It's 22 below and I'm cold just looking at you!"
Not the kid Blog-land!!!
It might seem like it's spring in my head AT work....and my co-workers can attest to that....but you better believe I DRESS like I believe it's winter in Chicago when I leave the house!
My hair.....NOT FLAWLESS!!! It's in a pony tail! Why?! 'Cause whatever I WOULD do to my hair would be attacked by my hat! Hat hair is unavoidable people!! Unless you have the funds for braids or weaves. By all means.....it ain't trickin' if you got it.... but I got better plans for that 200 bucks!!
Makeup? Maybe..... But YOU wouldn't know it because my scarf is wrapped around me so tight all you get is a peep at my fogged up glasses.......
Heels? Are you kidding??? You must be 3 grapes short of a bunch!! I don't know how Ms. Winter Cute does it!! I keep thinking to myself, "Self!!! Maybe she's immune to ice and snow..... Maybe she's got this fancy little hoovering device in them 4 inch heels that let her just float right on over that ice patch we just skated on....."
My prayer every winter is: Dear Jesus, If you keep me on my feet, I will keep you on yours!
So far....so good!!
Anyway...... if you see a little chocolate hump on the Green Line train with feet, glasses and a gym bag.....that's probably me.....
Not winter cute at all!!!!
Me-Shell-A
But what became utterly obvious to me this season is that I am not "Winter Cute".......
Working in downtown Chicago, I have the privilege (sometimes the horror) of running into all types of people. Maybe you've seen this "chic" before too:
Fabulous hair, not a strand out of place....How do you know? 'Cause she ain't got no type of hat on!!!
Flawless make up....... Why?? 'Cause she's wearing the daintiest little scarf tied ever so effortlessly around her neck.
Cute little coat, with her cute little Isotoner gloves.......
And OMG!!!! Don't get me started on her shoes......4 inch heels!!!!
Are you freakin' kidding me??? I'm like, "This heffa gotta be cold!!! It's Chicago.... It's 22 below and I'm cold just looking at you!"
Not the kid Blog-land!!!
It might seem like it's spring in my head AT work....and my co-workers can attest to that....but you better believe I DRESS like I believe it's winter in Chicago when I leave the house!
My hair.....NOT FLAWLESS!!! It's in a pony tail! Why?! 'Cause whatever I WOULD do to my hair would be attacked by my hat! Hat hair is unavoidable people!! Unless you have the funds for braids or weaves. By all means.....it ain't trickin' if you got it.... but I got better plans for that 200 bucks!!
Makeup? Maybe..... But YOU wouldn't know it because my scarf is wrapped around me so tight all you get is a peep at my fogged up glasses.......
Heels? Are you kidding??? You must be 3 grapes short of a bunch!! I don't know how Ms. Winter Cute does it!! I keep thinking to myself, "Self!!! Maybe she's immune to ice and snow..... Maybe she's got this fancy little hoovering device in them 4 inch heels that let her just float right on over that ice patch we just skated on....."
My prayer every winter is: Dear Jesus, If you keep me on my feet, I will keep you on yours!
So far....so good!!
Anyway...... if you see a little chocolate hump on the Green Line train with feet, glasses and a gym bag.....that's probably me.....
Not winter cute at all!!!!
Me-Shell-A
Monday, February 1, 2010
INTRODUCTION
I know the title may sound like this is going to be Diary of Mad Black Woman part Deux….
But I’m not mad…or angry…or sad….. despite what CNN may be telling you about the state of single black women in
Like most young adults (black, white or other) I have looked at my life and said to myself: “Self?!!? What the heck happened?? We made plans….we followed the “rules”…..How come we ain’t in the sweet spot like THEY said we would be?? ARE YOU MFN KIDDING ME???”
Sweet spot equaling husband, house, flourishing career, fabulous friends, a bank account that knows no end, 2.5 kids and a kitten (don’t like dogs). Not to mention having Jesus on speed dial for answered prayers….
I just wanna be….I just wanna be…I just wanna be SUCCESSFUL…..
Yea Trey…I FN feel you too!!!
But I digress…..
Anyway….the more I looked at my life…the funnier it got. The funnier it got, the more I started thinking that maybe, just maybe, somebody else is going through the same thing. Love it or hate it….this blog is about life as I see it. I believe that there is a story being told, but none of the people telling it look like me. Soooooo…… I’mma tell my own story, my way, and YOU (folks out there in blog-land) are invited to watch, pray, help, cheer, boo and/or co-sign (whatever!) as I tell it. Hopefully you’ll find some of my encounters funny…..Hopefully you’ll find ALL of it encouraging in one way or another!
Me-Shell-A
PS: The Rules of Engagement…….
#1. DON’T DO ME DIRTY!!!!! You are allowed to respectfully disagree with me or the other comments made….but don’t be a butt wipe….I will delete your stuff! =)
#2. I will do my best to change the names of the guilty and the innocent who happen to be involved…..if I don’t, just keep quiet and look straight ahead and nobody will know it’s you…….
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